Fire has been confusing for me. For an embarrassing amount of time, Fire confused me.

Because of this, Fire is something that I think about a lot.

I know how I feel about it now. I’ve taken quizzes. Read books. Researched. Inquired. Meditated.

The works on Fire. To determine what it means for me. How it feels for me.

Fire has also become a welcomed distraction as much as it’s been at the forefront of my world.

Early on, Fire is something that I’ve even been curious to explore, but it’s often been extinguished by my environment in more ways than one.

It happened so often that I began to extinguish the Fire myself. It’s what I was used to experiencing. I thought that must’ve been the right way to interact with it. To extinguish it. To ignore it. To snuff it. To water it.

Eventually, however, it comes back in full force and with a vengeance as if my actions made the Fire twice as angry. Twice as upset. Twice as sad. Twice as cruel.

I couldn’t keep ignoring the Fire. I couldn’t keep extinguishing it either. So, what else was there? What else could I do about it? Well, I did what any curiously sane somewhat normal person would do. I started questioning it.

Where did you come from? 

How did you start? 

Was there someone deliberately starting these Fires? Why? To get my attention? 

Were these destructive Fires started by… me?

This sent me into a years-long spiral.

The Fires would spread. They couldn’t be controlled. They couldn’t be stopped. They seeped into all areas of my life. 

They were hard to miss now.

My environment noticed again, but instead of extinguishing them like before, some ignored them completely while others just watched them burn. Amazed. Intrigued. Remorseful.

I didn’t know what to trust when it came to these Fires. They certainly never went away, no matter what I did. They remained. And at a certain point, I just let them.

I gave up and succumbed to the Fire. The Fire didn’t love me. At least I didn’t think so. It just wanted to consume me for it’s gain. At least that’s what I think. Hard to say. I never let the Fire get close enough to consume my thoughts. They only know what they burn. What they see. What I show.

But, I didn’t want to get burned. I didn’t want to be consumed. Bruised. Hurt. Damaged. Uncomfortable. 

That’s what Fire does, right? Once it gets close enough. I could never be a master of it when all I’ve done was try to diminish it or run when it doesn’t feel good.

The Fire continues to spread all over. It burns me each moment I look away. Each moment I walk away. Each moment I don’t accept it. Each moment I ignore it. And most of the time, I can’t help those reactions. I was only trying to protect myself, causing a lot of frustration in the process.

The frustration wasn’t always what I truly felt. But it was all I could display in the moment.

So much so, that my being, my concern, my emotions started more Fires. Sometimes, accidentally. I never apologized for those accidents because I truly didn’t know at the time. I meant no harm, but I didn’t move to suppress it once I realized. Burning others in the process.

Some allowed it to happen, did nothing to stop it, and didn’t shift to prevent it. This was a sweet gesture but dangerous for all involved.

A few lit matches out of spite, which always left me confused and in a constant state of conflict. I never understood that from people who just passed through. Starting a Fire and leaving as if no one else will be affected, aside from me. They wanted the Fire only to be my problem. But didn’t realize it would follow them too. As I burned, so did they. They lit the match and blamed me for the pulverizing flame. And they hated me for it.

They got what they wanted. And I hated that they were a part of it now.

Fire does what Fire does.

The spark turns into a flame, evolving into a full-on conflagration. Someone will find it eventually. Some will get burned if they aren’t careful. Some will love the way it makes them feel. Some will envy the blaze. Some will want to understand its existence. Some can’t believe it’s real until they encounter one of their own. Some will welcome the new beginning of its destruction.

Fire does what Fire does. 

I’ve learned to recognize what it is early to be more prepared. It could seem overly cautious. But I know what it’s like to be burned in the same place over and over again.

Only to realize it’s nature. It’s Fire. And with Fire, sometimes there’s nothing else to do but allow it to burn, and accept it.

And I’ve accepted my fate.

I don’t plant seeds, I start Fires.

Originally Published on Medium: February 7, 2025 at 21:05